For as long as I can remember, I used
to call myself a perfectionist. Teachers loved how I paid attention to every
little detail, friends would comment on how organized I was, and my family was
always proud of how hard I worked. On the outside, it looked like I had it all
together. But underneath? I was constantly battling anxiety, self-doubt, and
the fear that I wasn’t ever going to be "enough."
People often talk about striving for
perfection like it’s a good thing, like it’s something to be proud of. After
all, doesn’t it lead to success? But what nobody tells you is how exhausting it
is. I didn’t just want to do well—I had to be the best. Any tiny mistake
felt like the end of the world. I was carrying the weight of my own impossible
standards, and the anxiety that came with it was intense.
I can’t exactly pinpoint when it
started, but looking back, I can see how trying to seek excellence became a way
to cope. I wanted control in a world that often felt unpredictable. If I could
do everything perfectly, maybe I could avoid disappointment or failure. At
first, it worked. I was a straight-A student, always at the top of my class.
But as time went on, the pressure to keep that up became overwhelming. By high
school, I was staying up late, reworking assignments over and over, terrified
of messing up. Exams weren’t just stressful—they became a nightmare because I
was always thinking, "What if I fail?"
College made everything worse. I
crammed my schedule with extracurriculars, internships, and volunteer work,
thinking that the more I achieved, the more I’d prove my worth. But no matter
what I did, it never felt like enough. I was burning out, but I didn’t see it
at the time. I couldn’t sleep, I overanalyzed every conversation, and even the
smallest criticism would send me into a spiral of self-doubt. Anxiety was
hitting me hard—panic attacks, trouble focusing, and just feeling completely
overwhelmed all the time.
The breaking point came when I was
taking my USMLE Step 2 medical exam. I had studied for months, but when I sat
down in front of the computer, I froze. I couldn’t remember anything. My mind
went blank, and I had a full-blown anxiety attack, right there. That was the
moment I realized perfectionism wasn’t helping me anymore—it was destroying me.
Admitting that this was a problem
wasn’t easy. For so long, it had been my identity. being "the best"
was how I found value in myself. But after hitting that wall, I knew something
had to change. I started going to therapy, where I learned that my anxiety and
perfectionism were deeply intertwined. My therapist along with my closest
friend helped me understand that striving for perfection was an impossible
task. Perfection doesn’t exist, and by chasing it, I was setting myself up for
constant disappointment.
One of the hardest lessons I had to
learn was how to embrace imperfection. At first, even the thought of accepting
"good enough" felt like failure. But slowly, I started practicing
self-compassion. I began to notice how harshly I’d been treating myself, how I
never allowed room for mistakes or growth. Therapy helped me recognize the
unrealistic expectations I had set and gave me tools to reframe my thinking.
Letting go of the high standards didn’t
happen overnight, and it’s still something I struggle with today. But I’ve
learned to catch myself when I start to fall back into old patterns. Now, when
I feel that familiar urge to be flawless, I remind myself that mistakes are
part of being human. I’ve learned that it’s okay to set high standards, but
they don’t have to be unattainable. Progress, not perfection, is the goal.
The biggest shift came when I stopped
tying my self-worth to my achievements. I realized that I am valuable not
because of what I accomplish, but simply because of who I am. My anxiety still
flares up from time to time, especially when I face new challenges or
uncertainty, but I no longer let it control me.
Striving for precision and perfection,
for all the ways it used to shape my life, is now something I view with a more
critical eye. Yes, it pushed me to achieve a lot, but it also cost me my peace
of mind. Finding balance between striving for excellence and accepting
imperfection has been a long, ongoing process. And while I’m still learning,
I’m proud of how far I’ve come. If you’ve ever felt trapped by the need to be
perfect, know that you’re not alone. There’s freedom in letting go, and while
it might feel scary at first, it’s also incredibly liberating. Embrace your
flaws, accept your mistakes, and remember that growth happens in the messy,
imperfect parts of life. That’s where the real magic lies.
2 Comments
It's refreshing to see a discussion about mental health in the context of exams. Your insights remind us that taking care of our minds is just as crucial as preparing academically.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate on the fine details described here. It’s always good to be reminded on how important it is to be compassionate with self. Pushing one’s self is great, but greatest comes through balance.
ReplyDelete